Transcripts/The Hooffields and McColts


 * Fluttershy: Does everyanimal have their copy of Wuthering Hooves? Hooray! I love Furry Friends Book Club! Now, let's discuss the theme of nature as it applies to Hoofcliff's love.
 * [cutie mark ringing]
 * Fluttershy: Did somepony leave a light on? Oh, it's me. Oh! It's me!
 * [shimmering and whooshing]
 * Fluttershy: We'll continue this discussion when I get back!
 * [door closes]
 * Animals: [chattering]


 * [theme song]


 * [shimmering and whooshing]
 * Quips: You get the invite, cous?
 * [cutie mark ringing]
 * Fluttershy: Oh! You were called, too! Thank goodness. I feel so much better going with a friend.
 * Quips: Good. I was so excited that I had it sent overnight at great expense.
 * Fluttershy: Oh.
 * Quips: And she can't wait to meet the (Pokes chest) "best man", buddy.
 * Fluttershy: Ever since the map called us? But that happened five minutes ago.
 * (waves flags around while blowing into a party favor)

Quips: But in all honesty, Skips, I don't have a lot of friends. So I need you to be my best man. Anyway, what's a composer's favorite kind of party?
 * Fluttershy: Oh, I'm so lucky I'm being sent with you. Speaking of which, where are we going?
 * Quips: You gotta throw me a "Bach-elor" party! I just changed the joke up on the fly to answer your question.
 * Fluttershy: Oh, I've never been there before.
 * Quips: Oh, you'll do great. I just have one request.
 * Fluttershy: That's gorgeous. And where there's nature, there's a ton of animal friends!
 * Quips: At the end of the night, I wanna eat "wings on a hill"
 * Fluttershy: You seem pretty prepared to me. Are those for us?

Quips: with my best buds. Well, your best buds. Hey, can I borrow your best buds? Just to reiterate, I don't have any friends.
 * Fluttershy: You said "books" twice.
 * Quips: Thanks, best man. Or should I say, "chest man"? (Pats Skips's chest) Badabadabadaba zingo! Hey, can you spot me for a cab home?
 * Fluttershy: Ooh!
 * Twilight Sparkle: What do ya think our friendship problem's gonna be?
 * Fluttershy: [struggling] I don't know. [grunts] But I'm sure we'll figure it out. [grunting, panting]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Do you think it'll be a problem about lying?
 * Fluttershy: [grunts] I'm sure we'll find out when we get there.
 * Twilight Sparkle: You're right. Mordecai: You're right.


 * Twilight Sparkle: Ooh! Could it be about when two friends just randomly decide to do something together, but they forget to invite the third friend, and the third friend feels left out?


 * Twilight Sparkle: Or where one friend tells another friend's secret after they asked them not to?
 * Fluttershy: [exhausted] We'll know very, very soon. Since we're almost there.


 * Fluttershy: [groans]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Here. Lemme get that.
 * Fluttershy: [sighs] Thank you.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Sorry I've been a little skiddly-bopty-boo. I just can't believe this is finally happening!
 * [pumpkins firing]
 * Fluttershy: Whoa!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Whoa! What in Equestria is happening?
 * [pumpkin firing]
 * Fluttershy: It's nothing like your book said it would be!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh, boy. I'm feeling very unprepared. Where do we even start?
 * [pumpkin firing]
 * Fluttershy: Maybe by figuring out where the flying pumpkins are coming from?


 * Ma Hooffield: Ready... Aim... Fire!
 * [pumpkin firing]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Um, hi. Hello. Excuse us, but what are you doing?
 * Ma Hooffield: We're pumpkinin' our neighbors!
 * Fluttershy: Yes, but, um, why are you... "pumpkining" your neighbors?
 * Ma Hooffield: Well, because the McColts are just plain rotten. Hey, wait a tick. Who are you two?! You're not spies for the McColts, are ya?
 * Twilight Sparkle: I am Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship. And I am here to solve your friendship problem.
 * Fluttershy: I'm Fluttershy, and... um... I'm here, too.
 * Ma Hooffield: Ma Hooffield. Pleased to meet ya, but you're wastin' your time. We don't have a friendship problem. We have... a McColt problem.
 * "Buzzard Hooffield": And there's absolutely no friendship there.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Well, maybe there could be if we figure out what the McColts did to make you so mad.
 * Ma Hooffield: Oh, they done so many things. Why, just today, they shot pebbles at our farmhouse an' wrecked it. See, we're not very good at buildin', so all it took was a little pebble. But still!
 * Mice: [squeaking]
 * Fluttershy: Oh, no!
 * Twilight Sparkle: I know what to do. We're gonna talk with these McColts and hear their side of the story. Once we have all the facts, we can put an end to this using reason and rationale.
 * Fluttershy: Good plan. [to mice] That's why she's the princess.
 * Twilight Sparkle: In the meantime, could you please call off the pumpkining?
 * Ma Hooffield: Oh, alright.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Thanks. C'mon, Fluttershy.


 * [knock on door]
 * "Steel Bolts": State your business!
 * "Rosy Riveter": Don't even bother. They're probably spies for the Hooffields.
 * "Steel Bolts": Hey, wait! You're an Alicorn! I thought just the three princesses were Alicorns.
 * Twilight Sparkle: There are four Alicorn princesses in Equestria now. I am Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship.
 * Fluttershy: And I'm Fluttershy.
 * "Steel Bolts": We have a new princess? When did that happen? A-A-And how did the Hooffields come by a princess spy?
 * Twilight Sparkle: We are not spies! [to Fluttershy] Why does everypony assume we're spies?
 * [gate unlocking]
 * Big Daddy McColt: Because we don't get a lot of visitors. I'm Big Daddy McColt. You caught us at a weird time. We're in the middle of a giant feud with our... Terrible neighbors!
 * [echoes]
 * [birds squawking]
 * [farmhouse collapses]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Well, actually, that's why we're here – to solve your problem with the Hooffields.
 * Big Daddy McColt: So you're here to help us get rid of 'em.
 * McColts: [whooping, hollering]
 * Twilight Sparkle: No! That's not what I meant at all!
 * Big Daddy McColt: Well, if you ain't fer us, you're agin' us.


 * Twilight Sparkle: We are not on anypony's side. We're here to help you become friends again.
 * Big Daddy McColt: Well, that's gon' be hard. I don't believe we've ever been friends with the Hooffields!
 * Twilight Sparkle: But you could be! They're just really upset you ruined their farmhouse.
 * Big Daddy McColt: Wait a hog-wogglin' minute! We only did that because the Hooffields pulled the pin out of our wagon wheel!
 * [wagon collapses]
 * Big Daddy McColt: A whole week's worth of food rollin' down the mountain. Us McColts are mighty fine builders, but we don't know the first thing about farmin'.
 * McColts: [whickering]
 * Big Daddy McColt: We have to travel a ways away to buy our food. Now, we'll be stuck eatin' the pumpkins the Hooffields launched at us. Pumpkin bread, pumpkin soup, pumpkin [mispronounced] quesadillas, pumpkin paella, pumpkin cheese, pumpkin pie, pumpkin frittatas... Actually, that all sounds pretty good. But it'll get old!
 * [squirrel squeaking]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Have you tried meeting at a neutral location, talking about your problems, and really listening to each other?
 * Big Daddy McColt: What?! No! They'd sooner launch their dinners at us than listen to us.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Well, they'll listen to me. I'm an impartial third party.


 * Twilight Sparkle: [voice amplified] Attention, Hooffields and McColts! I'm not on anypony's side, but I can see you're both wasting time and resources on being mean to each other. Ponies are supposed to help each other and be kind. So let's stop this senseless fighting! [speaking normally] There. That should do it. Ready to go home, Fluttershy?
 * Fluttershy: I'd love to. But if we solved the problem already, shouldn't our cutie marks be glowing again?
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah. They should be glowing any minute now...
 * [beat]
 * [kersplut]
 * [kaboom]
 * [whistling]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Or not. Stella: Or not.
 * [tomatoes splatting]
 * Twilight Sparkle: So much for potential friendship solution number twenty-eight.
 * Fluttershy: I guess we should find out why the Hooffields are launching tomatoes now.


 * Ma Hooffield: One at a time, Greenhoof. If you smoosh them tomaters in the slingshot, they won't break on the McColts.
 * Twilight Sparkle: What are you doing? I asked you to stop fighting.
 * Ma Hooffield: Oh, is that what you were hollerin' about? We thought the McColts rubbed ya the wrong way. So we tomatered them for ya. My mistake. [to Hooffields] Stop the tomater slingshots!
 * [hay bales falling]
 * Ma Hooffield: Reload the tomater slingshots! We're gonna paint their mountaintop red!
 * Fluttershy: Bleh!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Well, that didn't work. I was so sure it would.
 * [hay bales falling]
 * Fluttershy: [gasps] It was a good plan. We need to think of another one. And soon. This fight is really affecting the animals around here.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Not to worry. I'll just, uh...
 * [pages flipping]
 * Twilight Sparkle: ...find the root of the problem and work from there.
 * [kaboom]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Pardon us, Ma, but do you remember what started this whole feud in the first place?
 * Ma Hooffield: They know what they did.


 * Big Daddy McColt: They know what they did!
 * Twilight Sparkle: I'm starting to think neither of you know what either of you have done.
 * Big Daddy McColt: Sure, we do. Them Hooffields did us a grave injustice some time ago for some reason.
 * McColts: Hear, hear!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Okay, backup plan to the backup plan. Maybe we can find some common ground that you can bond over. What do you do when you're not fighting?
 * Big Daddy McColt: That's easy. Gettin' ready to fight.


 * Fluttershy: What do you hope to get out of fighting?
 * Ma Hooffield: The satisfaction of winnin'!


 * Twilight Sparkle: Of winning what?
 * [hammering]
 * Big Daddy McColt: The fight, of course! To prove our family is the best!


 * Fluttershy: The best at what?
 * Ma Hooffield: Winnin'! Haven't you been listenin'?!
 * Twilight Sparkle: So the only thing they have in common is that they both want to win a fight, and neither of them know what it's over. How can I end this feud if I don't know what it's about?
 * Fluttershy: Ooh! Maybe somepony just needs to say they're sorry.
 * Twilight Sparkle: That's a good idea. And friendship solution number forty-eight. But we can move it up.


 * Twilight Sparkle: I'm so glad you agreed to do this. This apology cake will go a long way to making amends between you two. Which part of my argument changed your mind? The part where I said the benefits of friendship outweigh the cost of war, or the part where I said forgiveness is an investment in happiness?
 * Ma Hooffield: Yeah, yeah. All of it.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Wait. Are you even listening to me?
 * "Steel Bolts": Who goes there?!
 * Ma Hooffield: It's Ma Hooffield.
 * "Steel Bolts": Hooffield alert! Arm the cannons!
 * Ma Hooffield: With an apology cake!
 * "Steel Bolts": Did you say "cake"? As in... [slurps] cake?
 * Ma Hooffield: Consider it a gesture of goodwill from us to you.
 * McColt Guards: [slurping]
 * "Rosy Riveter": I haven't had cake in ages.
 * "Steel Bolts": Open the gates!
 * [gates open]
 * "Hacksaw McColt": [sniffles] Oh, it's such a bee-utiful cake.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Think of this as more than just a cake. It's the first step in the long road to forgiveness.
 * Fluttershy: Nothing says "let's be friends" like a cake that says, "Let's be friends!" [hushed] I wrote that in icing on the top.
 * [cracking]
 * Hooffields: For glory! Whoa!
 * Big Daddy McColt: McColts! Assume Delta Force formation!
 * McColts: Yah!
 * [both families shouting]
 * Ma Hooffield: Ready... aim... fire!
 * [sproing]
 * [food falling]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Ma Hooffield, you planted ponies in that cake?!
 * Ma Hooffield: Yeah! [laughing] Wait. Were you serious about apologizin'? Why in Equestria would we do that? We didn't do anythin' wrong!
 * Big Daddy McColt: What're you talkin' about?! You done so many things wrong!
 * Ma Hooffield: Not as many as you!
 * Ma Hooffield and Big Daddy McColt: [growling]
 * [both families fighting]


 * [sounds of fighting]
 * Skips: Uhh, the best one. Why don't you give me that back?
 * [sounds of fighting]
 * [thud]
 * Rigby: Come on, try and calm down.
 * [pages ripping, magic zaps]
 * Twilight Sparkle: [sighs]
 * Fluttershy: Um, Twilight? We should probably get back there. I mean, if you need a break, that's fine, but I really can't do this without you.
 * Twilight Sparkle: I don't know if we can do this at all. Even if I make things right, they're just gonna fight again.
 * [critters chittering]
 * Fluttershy: Hey, little fellas. Oh, that's okay, you can come out.
 * [various critters chittering]
 * [groan]
 * Twilight Sparkle: What was that?
 * [critter stomachs rumbling]
 * Fluttershy: Oh, you poor things! There isn't enough food here for you! Oh, brrr, and you're freezing! I'm gonna take you all home with me and get you all hot cocoas. How do you feel about book clubs?
 * Twilight Sparkle: I don't get it. This was supposed to be the most beautiful valley in all of Equestria. What happened?
 * [squirrel chittering]
 * Fluttershy: What's that? Oh! Uh-huh... Twilight! They know what happened here!
 * Twilight Sparkle: What?


 * [sounds of fighting]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Stop! You have to listen to me!
 * [splat]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Everypony freeze! [echoing out]
 * [magic zap]
 * Twilight Sparkle: [straining] Fluttershy! You have to tell them! [strains] It's a lot harder to freeze an army of ponies than just six of them!
 * Fluttershy: [raised voice] Before you keep fighting, there is something you should know!


 * Skips: (narrating) A long time ago, I knew a guy by the name of Jonathan Kimble. (transits to backstory) He used to work in park and just like Rigby, he was obsessed with the hat.
 * [crash]
 * Skips: (narrating) His drive for the hat was relentless. Breakfast Lunch, Dinner.
 * [crunch]
 * [thud]
 * [water pouring]
 * [thud]
 * [crunch]
 * [splash]
 * Skips: (narrating) The omelet was the only thing he would ever eat. He kept a journal, and kept tracking every advantage he could find that would help him on his quest for the hat. One day, he was really excited. He just kept saying, "I figured it out! I figured it out!" He left to attempt it, but he never came back.


 * (transits back to the present.)
 * Fluttershy: Even then, the valley and all the animals in it continued to be caught in the crossfire. You see? By fighting, you're destroying the very thing that brought you here in the first place! So it's time you both put your differences aside and come together! If not for yourselves, then for the sake of these cute and cuddly guys!
 * Twilight Sparkle: [straining]
 * Big Daddy McColt: Aw, shucks, we never meant to hurt you little critters.
 * Ma Hooffield: Yeah, we're sorry!
 * [squirrel chittering]
 * Fluttershy: They say they accept your apology.
 * [beat]
 * Big Daddy McColt: Uh, princess? You can unfreeze us now.
 * Twilight Sparkle: [straining] Oh, right!
 * [thud]
 * Big Daddy McColt: Ma Hooffield? We promise we won't fight you no more.
 * Ma Hooffield: Us too, except we promise not to fight you. I suppose it doesn't matter who's right. We're both wrong.
 * Big Daddy McColt: That's one thing we can agree on.
 * Big Daddy McColt and Ma Hooffield: [spits]
 * [critters chittering]
 * [teleportation zap]
 * Twilight Sparkle: This is wonderful! I am so proud of you two!
 * Ma Hooffield: Aw, thanks, princess. Though I would just like to point out that I was the, uh, first to admit I was wrong.
 * Big Daddy McColt: That may be, but I promised not to fight first. That counts for more!
 * Ma Hooffield: Oh, yeah?!
 * [critters chittering]
 * Ma Hooffield: Oh, all right. We don't have to speak animal to know what y'all are sayin'. Truce?
 * Big Daddy McColt: Truce.


 * [sounds of work and critters chittering]
 * Big Daddy McColt: Woo-hoo! Ain't that a pretty sight?
 * Ma Hooffield: Sure is! The McColts are gonna help us rebuild our homes! Good ones this time.
 * Big Daddy McColt: And the Hooffields are gonna help us grow some crops!
 * "Steel Bolts": Not pumpkins.
 * Ma Hooffield: Thanks for teachin' us that friendship is so much better than winnin' a silly argument.
 * [cutie marks ringing]
 * Fluttershy: Yay! I told you we'd figure it out.
 * Twilight Sparkle: We did, and we didn't need my friendship portfolio to do it. We just needed each other. So, what do you think will happen next? We've all been called by the map now.
 * Fluttershy: Oof! [straining] I'm sure we'll find out when we get home...
 * Twilight Sparkle: What if it summons all six of us to another place? Or another pony we weren't expecting? [gasps] What if it wants us to solve other kinds of problems, like quantum physics, or why the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?


 * [country music plays over credits]