Transcripts/Father Knows Beast


 * Twilight Sparkle: Woo-hoo-hoo!
 * Spike: Whoa! Ta-da!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Okay, Spike. Now let's try a flip. Remember – two flaps, then straight up!
 * Spike: Got it!
 * [flapping]
 * Spike: [grunts]
 * [splash]
 * Spike: [inhales]


 * [flapping]
 * [bump]
 * [thud]


 * [crash]
 * [fwip]
 * [thud]
 * Twilight Sparkle: You're doing great, Spike. Now let's see the big finish!
 * Spike: [sighs]
 * [sloop!]
 * Spike: Whoa-oa-oa-oa!
 * [crash]
 * Spike: [grunts] I don't know about "big", but I am definitely finished.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Maybe I should get Rainbow Dash. She's the one who taught me advanced flying techniques.
 * Spike: No, thanks. If I'm gonna mess up, I'd rather do it in front of you. I just don't understand why none of your advice is helping.
 * Smolder: Because she's teaching you to fly like a pony instead of a dragon.
 * Spike: What's the difference?
 * Smolder: Well, we don't have feathers, for starters.


 * Spike: Ye-he-he-hes!
 * [hoof-bump]
 * Spike: Wow! Thank you so much! How did you know I just needed to bend my wings?
 * Smolder: Honestly, this is Dragon 101. Usually dragon parents teach this stuff.


 * [knock, knock]
 * [door opens]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Spike, I've been thinking about our flying lesson.
 * Spike: Uh-huh...
 * Twilight Sparkle: I can't believe I overlooked something as simple as feathers. It's no wonder you were having trouble. I wish I had more "dragonish" knowledge to give you. Do you think being raised by ponies has affected you in other ways? Spike?
 * Spike: Did you say something, Twilight? Sorry. I'm just finishing up this "thank-you" throw pillow for Smolder. And you know how I get when I'm in the embroidery zone.
 * Twilight Sparkle: [chuckles]


 * [theme song]


 * Spike: It's a pillow! But not for your head. Although it could be. It's a throw pillow. They're more casual. You can use 'em anywhere. You don't like it.
 * Smolder: Uh, it's not that. It's just dragons don't really use pillows. At all.
 * Spike: What?
 * Smolder: Hey, what's that?
 * Spike: I don't know. But it's... heading right for us!
 * [crash!]
 * Spike: Okay. Now I really owe you for the lesson.
 * Sludge: [groans, chuckles] Hey there, young dragons. [coughs] Name's Sludge. How are yours tails shakin'? [groans]
 * Spike: You all right?
 * Smolder: Yeah. What happened?
 * Sludge: To what?
 * [thud]
 * Sludge: Oh. I don't need to explain myself to a couple of baby dragons. [groaning and whimpering]
 * [thud]
 * Sludge: Ow...
 * Spike: Maybe not. But you're hurt and need help. So I'm taking you to Twilight's castle whether you like it or not?
 * Sludge: Castle, eh? [groans]


 * Twilight Sparkle: I'm glad Spike brought you here, Sludge. I understand you made quite the impression in town.
 * Pinkie Pie: Literally! There's a hole and everything!
 * Sludge: Well, I hope you're not expecting me to fix it. [groans]
 * Applejack: It doesn't look like you're in much shape to do anything.
 * Sludge: I'll manage. Dragons take care of themselves. I don't need help from a bunch of castle-livin' ponies. [whimpers]
 * Rarity: Darling, do be careful.
 * Sludge: I'm... [groans] ...fine.
 * [thud]
 * Fluttershy: I can't watch!
 * Rainbow Dash: You're not the first stubborn dragon we've met, you know?
 * Spike: And sometimes, even dragons need help.
 * Twilight Sparkle: I promise. My friends and I will only do enough to get you back on your claws.


 * [montage music]
 * [sewing machine whirring]


 * [cider press whirring]
 * Sludge: [sighs]
 * [crash!]


 * [doors creak]


 * Sludge: [sniffs]
 * [clang!]
 * [thud]
 * Sludge: [chewing noisily]
 * Mane Six and Spike: [cheer]


 * Sludge: [chomp]
 * Twilight Sparkle: I know you had your reservations, but it's good to see you feeling better.
 * Sludge: T-Thanks, I guess.
 * Rarity: That's what friends are for, darling.
 * Sludge: You're pretty lucky to have friends like these, kid.
 * Spike: Actually, I was orphaned as an egg, and Twilight raised me. So these ponies are more than my friends. They're my family.
 * Twilight Sparkle: We try our best, but sometimes I worry that maybe Spike is...
 * Spike: Missing something deep down and dragonish.
 * Sludge: Really? Wow. I-I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that.
 * Applejack: Why in Equestria would you be glad to hear that?
 * Sludge: I wasn't gonna say anything since your life seemed so perfect, but I have a confession to make. Coming to Ponyville wasn't an accident. I was looking for you. Spike... [sighs] I'm your father.
 * Mane Six: [gasp]
 * Pinkie Pie: [continues gasping] Sorry.


 * Twilight Sparkle: So you crashed in Ponyville on purpose?
 * Sludge: Well, the crash part wasn't on purpose, but heading here was. I've been searching everywhere for you, kid.
 * Spike: Did you ask in the Crystal Empire? I'm kind of well-known there.
 * Pinkie Pie: Actually, Spike's well-known everywhere. Not a lot of dragons were hatched by the Princess of Friendship.
 * Applejack: Mm-hmm.
 * Sludge: [choked up] You make it sound so simple. I wish you'd been there to help me search.


 * [doors open]
 * Spike: I can't believe it. I have so many questions.
 * Sludge: Well, ask away. Answering questions is what dads are for.
 * Spike: I guess my biggest question is simple. Why was I an orphaned egg?
 * Sludge: [stammers] You sure you don't want to ask something else? [choked up] It's a lot of painful memories. [sighs] Your mother was the best dragon I'd ever met.


 * Sludge: [voiceover] The Dragon Lord even picked her to scout for the Great Migration, and-and even though she just laid your egg, we knew she'd have to go. But finding the Migration route could take a lifetime, and you deserved a chance to know your mother. So I went looking for you, carrying your egg to places no dragon or pony has ever been. Past Mount Aris, the abandoned home of the Hippogriffs...


 * Pinkie Pie: Ooh! Did you visit Klugetown?
 * Sludge: You've been to Klugetown?
 * Mane Six: [various affirming]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Also, the Hippogriffs returned to Mount Aris after we helped them defeat the Storm King.
 * Sludge: Oh, well, have you heard of the Land of the... Scale Collectors?
 * Twilight Sparkle: Uh-uh.
 * Sludge: [to Spike] Because that's where your mother's trail finally led.


 * Sludge: [voiceover] To a prison world of dragon hunters, where I was forced to choose between surrendering myself or surrendering your egg.
 * [clang!]
 * Sludge: [voiceover, choked up] Of course, there was no way I was gonna sacrifice my boy. So they took me instead, and that's where I'd been ever since.


 * Sludge: Locked up somewhere not even the Princess of Friendship has heard of.
 * Spike: Whoa... How did you know I was a boy?
 * Fluttershy: Whatever happened to Spike's mom?
 * Rainbow Dash: And how did the egg make it all the way back to Equestria by itself?
 * Pinkie Pie: Hmm?
 * Sludge: I wish I had all the answers. [crying]
 * Spike: Well, that's all in the past. The only thing that matters now is that we're together. And I'm gonna make up for lost time.


 * Spike: I hope you don't mind, but I have a list of all the things I always wanted to do with my dad?
 * Sludge: Mind? Spike, my boy, with you by my side, I feel like we could do anything. What do you want to do first?
 * Spike: Well, I've kind of been working on a list for a long time.
 * [scroll unrolls]
 * Sludge: Dude, you want to do all of this?
 * Spike: Oh. I mean, w-we don't have to.
 * Sludge: If you think doing everything on this incredibly long list is gonna fill the hole where your dragonishness should be, then that is exactly what we're gonna do!
 * Spike: [gasps]


 * [montage music]
 * Granny Smith: [blows whistle]
 * Sludge: [chomp, belches fire]
 * Pinkie Pie: Woo-hoo!
 * Spike: Oh, yeah!


 * [wind whistling]
 * [paper tearing]
 * [paper tearing]


 * [oven timer rings]
 * Sludge: [chewing noisily]


 * Sludge: [gulps]
 * Spike: I can't believe we got so many things done. But this is all my stuff. Is there anything you always wanted to do with me?
 * Sludge: Not really.
 * [beat]
 * Sludge: Uhhh, I mean, uh, I'm happy to do whatever you want. But if I had a castle like this with all this stuff, I'd probably just lay around all day doing nothing like a real dragon.
 * Spike: Like a real dragon?
 * Sludge: Sure! I'm not surprised you don't know any better. Twilight basically raised you as a pony. You're barely a dragon at all.
 * Spike: Huh?


 * [doors open]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Hey, Spike! How are things going with Sludge?
 * Spike: Honestly, I thought having him around would make me feel more dragonish. But I kind of feel less.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh, I'm sorry. I wish I could help.
 * Sludge: Awww, shucks. [chewing noisily] I guess I shouldn't have said anything about you being more pony than dragon. I just wish we had more in common.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Maybe you two can come up with ways to turn up Spike's, uh, dragonishness.
 * Spike: You think that's something we can do?
 * Sludge: You know what, son? I think it is!


 * Sludge: Spike, I'm gonna teach you a thing or two about being a dragon. So, listen up, my boy, because I'm only gonna say this once.


 * Look at this castle where you live


 * Spike: It's pretty sweet, right?


 * [Sludge]
 * You can't be a dragon here


 * Spike: Uh, I can't?


 * [Sludge]
 * Look at these books up on the wall


 * Spike: Hey, I just finished organizing those!


 * [Sludge]
 * This treasure pile's not right, I fear


 * Trust me, I got you covered here. You see all this soft pony stuff you're surrounded with? This has got to be the first thing to go.


 * Nothin' 'bout this place says "dragon den", there's too much fluff
 * All these fancy robes, toss in a pile
 * Take those goblets, dishes, is that gold? Still not enough!
 * De-ponifying might just take a while


 * Sure, this place is grandiose
 * But to a dragon, it's just gross
 * Time we make the lot all disappear
 * Reality you need a dose
 * To all these ponies, you're too close
 * You just can't be a dragon here


 * Good job, my boy! But this is still just the beginning!


 * Each and every dragon has a swagger all his own
 * Watch and I'll show you what I mean
 * You can't move like this with so much stuff to weigh you down
 * A dragon always keeps it lean


 * Lose this! This! Ooh, this is nice!


 * Your life is soft, your scales are coiffed
 * These pillows, beds, and sheets are washed
 * A delight, but it's just not right what's underneath
 * Every dragon must be free
 * Look at you, then look at me
 * Since when do dragons brush their teeth?


 * Ha! Please!


 * Sure, this place is grandiose
 * But to a dragon, it's just gross
 * Time we make the lot all disappear


 * Spike: What do I do?


 * [Sludge]
 * Just grab it all and give to me
 * After that, then you'll be free
 * You just can't be a dragon heeeeere!


 * Spike: Ha! You're right! I feel better already!
 * Sludge: See? What did I tell you? You're very lucky that I found you. Now, go get me some more.
 * Spike: You got it! I'm gonna go get you all the cushy pony stuff I've got... Dad.
 * Sludge: Great! Go get 'em... son!


 * 'Cause this dragon just can't wait to live here
 * [sinister laughter]


 * [knocking on door]
 * [door opens]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Spike? I just thought I'd check to see if you and Sludge had any luck turning up your dragonishness. It's hard not to feel like somehow I let you down all these years.
 * Sludge: [grunting]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to barge in on ya!
 * Sludge: [grunts, sighs] Ah, don't worry about it. Mi castle es su castle.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Right. Well, I'll just get out of your way.
 * [door closes]
 * [squeak!]
 * [splattering]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh! Spike! I'm so sorry. My morning is not going well. What is all this? Why'd you leave the castle so early?
 * Spike: I didn't leave. I spent the night outdoors to get in touch with my dragon side.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Outdoors?
 * Spike: Yeah! And Sludge asked me to bring him the best breakfast Ponyville has to offer so he can show me how a real dragon would eat it. See you later!
 * [door closes]


 * [doors open]
 * Twilight Sparkle: ...And that's why I thought we could use the map to—
 * Spike: Hey, gang! Dad was just showing me how a real dragon would act in a throne room.
 * Sludge: Dragons like to sprawl when they get their claws done. [blows] Now, if you'll all excuse me, it's time for my bath.
 * Spike: [sighs] Isn't he the best?
 * Rarity: I'm not sure that's exactly the word I would use.
 * Sludge: Uh, Spike? The bath isn't gonna fill itself, son.
 * Spike: Be right there... Dad.


 * Twilight Sparkle: I'm glad you're not spending the night outside again.
 * Spike: Oh, I am. I'm just looking for a good bedtime story to read to my dad first.
 * Twilight Sparkle: It's nice that you have somepony to show you dragon culture. But are you sure that's what Sludge is doing?
 * Spike: What do you mean?
 * Twilight Sparkle: Well, taking over your room, making a mess of things...
 * Spike: [scoffs] That is dragon culture.
 * Twilight Sparkle: You never acted like that.
 * Spike: That's because you raised me. Now I finally have a chance to see how I'm supposed to be.
 * Twilight Sparkle: I don't think you're supposed to be any different than who you are.
 * Spike: Maybe you just don't like that I have a real parent now.
 * [cracking]
 * Twilight Sparkle: That's not true! I'm glad Sludge is here. I-I just wish he wasn't such a—
 * Spike: Dragon? Of all ponies, I can't believe you would have a problem with that.
 * Twilight Sparkle: [sighs]


 * [splashing]
 * [bushes rustling]
 * Smolder: What happened to you?
 * Spike: Just sleeping outside like we're meant to. It's not like dragons are supposed to live in castles.
 * Smolder: I... guess not. But I live in the school. Nothing says we have to live outside.
 * Spike: [sighs] I'm so confused. It's been great having Sludge show me how to be a real dragon, but Twilight just doesn't get it.
 * Smolder: What do you mean?
 * Spike: She can't handle how good at being a dragon Sludge is. Maybe someday, I'll be able to lay around doing nothing as well as he does.
 * Smolder: What?
 * Spike: Well, not now, of course. I'm too busy bringing him pony stuff so he can show me what a dragon would do with it.
 * Smolder: So, Sludge just lays around while you wait on him claw and tail? Uh, dragons are rude and rebellious, but they aren't lazy lumps who take advantage of their kids.
 * Spike: Huh. Now I'm really confused.
 * Smolder: Me, too. Why don't you tell me everything Sludge said about being a dragon?


 * [door opens]
 * Sludge: [chewing noisily] Hey! What's going on, son?
 * Spike: Twilight doesn't like having real dragons in the castle, so I told her we're moving out.
 * Sludge: [coughs] You what?!
 * Smolder: Spike! I found the perfect cave where you two can live! There aren't even any comfortable rocks inside!
 * Spike: That does sound perfect!
 * Sludge: No, it doesn't! I-I-I mean, uh, I'm not sure I fully demonstrated all the ways a dragon would live here.
 * Spike: But we're not gonna live here anymore, so it doesn't matter.
 * Sludge: It matters to me! [stammers] I want to make sure you have all the knowledge you need.
 * Spike: But I do. Dad, you've already shared so much.
 * [singing] This bed is much too soft
 * Just take that silk robe off
 * We can't be dragons living here
 * Sludge and Spike: [straining]
 * Sludge: Stop! I'm not your father!
 * Spike: What?
 * Sludge: I just said that to get in on this sweet castle life.
 * Spike: So... you... pretended to be my dad?
 * Sludge: Now-now-now-now-now, don't look at me like that, kid. I did what any dragon would do.
 * Smolder: No. You didn't.
 * Sludge: Hey. I saw an opportunity, and I took it. That's what dragons do.
 * Smolder: No. It isn't.
 * Sludge: You know what? I don't need this. I'm out of here! Enjoy lovin' pony town!
 * Spike: [sighs]
 * Sludge: I'm taking this pillow.
 * Spike: I can't believe I thought somepony like that could show me how to be anything.
 * Smolder: Uh... it must be hard growing up not really knowing who you are.
 * Spike: That's the thing. I know exactly who I am. And how I got that way.


 * [door opens]
 * Spike: Um, Twilight?
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh. Hi. Where's your father?
 * Spike: He's gone. Turns out he wasn't what a real dragon should be after all. He also wasn't my real dad.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh, Spike. I'm so sorry.
 * Spike: I'm the one who's sorry. You were just worried about me, and I lost my temper. Sludge was just a great big phony.
 * Twilight Sparkle: I have to say, I'm not surprised. There's no way a dragon like that was related to you. But if you still want to search for your real family, I'd understand if you spent more time in the Dragon Lands.
 * Spike: I don't think so. I already know who my real family is.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Aww! It's me, right?
 * Spike: Mm-hmm! Besides, there's no way I'm living without pillows.


 * [credits]