Transcripts/Secrets and Pies


 * Pinkie Pie: Okay. All we need is a dot of salt, a dab of sugar, and a spritz of ginger.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Uh... Are those real measurements? How do you keep track without a recipe?
 * Pinkie Pie: Pie baking is more art than science. And this will be my masterpiece! It's to celebrate Rainbow Dash's seventy-third Wonderbolt training session!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Seventy-third? That's specific.
 * Pinkie Pie: I know! The pie is blueberry because Wonderbolt outfits are blue. The crust is rainbow, for obvious reasons. But the most special part is the seventy-three super secret sweets and spices that represent each training session! [giggles] Could you please pass the... [quickly] brown sugar, pink sugar, sweetroot, apple jelly, berry mash, and a towel?
 * [splattering]
 * Twilight Sparkle: You sure are going to a lot of trouble for Rainbow Dash's pie.
 * Pinkie Pie: Phew! That's because I know how much she loves them! My pies are her favorite! It's worth all the trouble to see her happy. Now I'm going to need some cocoa powder, cocoa flakes— Ooh! Cocoa bar! [chomp] [mouthful] Want some?
 * Twilight Sparkle: Isn't that for the pie?
 * Pinkie Pie: [gulps, laughing] Oh, Twilight! That's hilarious! You don't mix chocolate into a blueberry pie! This is my mid morning, pie-making chocolate fuel that keeps this pie baking train chugging down the tracks! [chomp, babbles, gulp] Break time's over! Now let's finish this pie! Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, choo-choo!
 * Twilight Sparkle: [chuckles]


 * [theme song]


 * [Wonderbolts theme]
 * Spitfire: Good training, everypony. Nice work, Crash. You really added that sparkle to that pressure diamond-drop.
 * Rainbow Dash: [gasps]
 * Pinkie Pie: Surprise! Happy seventy-third Wonderbolt training session! [blows party horn]
 * Rainbow Dash: My seventy-third training session? That's specific.
 * Pinkie Pie: I know! I'm just so proud and happy for you, and I've been counting all your training sessions, and I was going to wait until your hundredth, but I got too excited, and I know how much you love pie, so happy seventy-third training session!
 * Rainbow Dash: Whaaa?! You didn't have to do this.
 * Pinkie Pie: I know I didn't have to, but I reeeally wanted to! [squealing] Have a bite.
 * Rainbow Dash: Whoa! What's that?! Huh. Guess it was nothing. But wow, heh. This pie is the best I've ever had! Mmm! Is that cinnamon?
 * Pinkie Pie: I knew you'd love it! Have more. I made the whole thing for you.
 * Rainbow Dash: Really? Oh, that's so great! But I need to go change. A-And then I have to take Tank to the vet. Heh. His sensitive tortoise tummy's been acting up again. Do you mind if I take this pie with me?
 * Pinkie Pie: Of course not! I gotta get back to my shift at Sugarcube Corner anyway. Congratulations again!
 * Rainbow Dash: Heh. Thanks.
 * [trash cart squeaking]
 * Pinkie Pie: [sighs] I knew she'd love it. [gasps deeply] Is that...? Is that...?!
 * [zoom]
 * Pinkie Pie: Stop!
 * [clattering]
 * Pinkie Pie: You didn't see a blueberry rainbow-crust seventy-three-ingredient pie with a slice eaten out of it in here, did you?
 * Janitor Pony: Uh... n-no?
 * Pinkie Pie: Right. Of course you didn't. That would be ridiculous. Because I made it for Rainbow Dash, and she loves my pies. She would never throw them away like trash in the trash with other trash, right? Right?!
 * Janitor Pony: Um... riiight?
 * [Batman-style scene wipe]


 * Pinkie Pie: Hmmm... That pie couldn't have been the one I made. I must be seeing things. I did have a lot of chocolate this morning. [chomp, gulps] But what if I wasn't seeing things? What if that was my pie? [scoffs] That would be bananas! [chuckles, laughing crazily] [gasps] Unless Rainbow Dash's been replaced by an imposter who throws delicious pies away!
 * [beat]
 * Pinkie Pie: Or... has she been brainwashed by a pie-hating evil queen?
 * [beat]
 * Pinkie Pie: You make a good point. Rainbow Dash is too stubborn to be brainwashed. Plus she hates washing. Hmm. There's something else going on here. Let's look up a few of the more recent pies I've made for her. The boysenberry pie I made for her birthday... and her three half-birthday lemon meringues... and the "It's Not Your Birthday But Here's a Pie Anyway Day" custard pie! She ate all of these... Right?


 * Rainbow Dash: [gasps] Another pie!? Thank you so much! Whoa! What's that?!
 * [zip!]
 * Rainbow Dash: [chewing noises] Huh. Guess it was nothing. Heh-heh.


 * Rainbow Dash: Awesome! Three lemon meringues? Uh... Hey, what's that over there?
 * [thunk, thunk, thunk]
 * Rainbow Dash: [chewing noises] Oh, never mind. Heh. Great pies!


 * Pinkie Pie: Happy "It's Not Your Birthday But Here's a Pie Anyway" Day!
 * Rainbow Dash: Thank you! No way! Check that out!
 * [thunk]
 * [clang]
 * Shoeshine: Oh! It's not even my birthday!
 * Rainbow Dash: Oh, sorry. Guess it was nothing. [slurp] Mmm! But that custard was everything!


 * Pinkie Pie: Have I ever really seen Rainbow Dash eat one of my pies? And do I always look when somepony points behind me? What's there?! Heh. Good one. But I need answers.


 * Pinkie Pie: I've sent Rainbow Dash a pie every month she's been a Wonderbolt, and you're telling me you've never seen her eat one?
 * Spitfire, Soarin, and Fleetfoot: Uhhh...
 * Spitfire: Uh, affirmative. Or, uh, negative. Um... I-I-I mean, she wasn't seen eating one.
 * Pinkie Pie: Hmm... Interesting. Very interesting.
 * Spitfire: Are we under investigation?
 * Pinkie Pie: As chief detective on the pie case, I've labeled you all ponies-of-interest. So it's best you tell me everything you know.
 * Spitfire: Well, we have been getting mysterious monthly pie donations.
 * Pinkie Pie: [gasps] Would you be able to pick these pies out of a line up?


 * [ceiling fan creaking]
 * Pinkie Pie: I hear Rainbow Dash's pet tortoise Tank has been having tummy troubles. When did it start?
 * Dr. Fauna: About a week ago. Poor Tank had all the telltale signs of sugar overload – jittery shell, sleeplessness, reptilian indigestion.
 * Pinkie Pie: Hmmm... And this all happened the day after I made Rainbow Dash a "Thanks For Lending Me Your Jacket" peach pie. It seems the pieces of the puzzle are plopping into place, but the picture isn't pretty. [gasps] Note to self – P. Alliteration Pie. Is that everything, Doctor?
 * Dr. Fauna: Well, there's also this.
 * Pinkie Pie: Interesting. Did you have the lab analyze the flavor of that pie?
 * Dr. Fauna: No. But you know, Miss Cheerilee was in here not long ago. The class hamster was having similar symptoms. [gasps] Perhaps it's a pie pandemic!
 * Pinkie Pie: Perhaps. And I just might know Pony Patient Zero!
 * [pipe bubbling]


 * Cheerilee: Dr. Fauna's right. I do always have to remind the foals and fillies not to share the pies with the class hamster. Animals just can't digest pony food.
 * Pinkie Pie: Indeed. But where do these pies come from?
 * Cheerilee: Well, they're from Rainbow Dash. She drops off her "Day After Rainbow Dash's Half-Birthday" pie every year.
 * Pinkie Pie: Did you say the day after her half-birthday?! Very, very interesting. Because I give her a pie on her half-birthday every year! And I have a feeling it's the same pie.
 * Cheerilee: Well, wherever it comes from, the students just love it.
 * Pinkie Pie: I'm so glad. At least I can be sure somepony is.


 * Pinkie Pie: She didn't eat the blueberry. She didn't eat the banana. She didn't eat the cream, and she didn't eat the chocolate. She didn't eat any of 'em! Why?! And don't tell me this all just started recently! It's been going on for years! Cheerilee said so herself. If there's one thing I know, you can't escape the truth!
 * [ding!]
 * [ding!]
 * [ding!]
 * [ding!]
 * [ding!]
 * [ding!]
 * [whoosh!]
 * [lightning strikes]
 * Pinkie Pie: Rainbow Dash doesn't like pie, and she's been lying to me about it the whole time! [screams]


 * [door opens]
 * Pinkie Pie: [muffled scream]
 * Applejack: Pinkie Pie?! Pinkie Pie!
 * [clicking]
 * [ka-chunk!]
 * Applejack: Whooooaaaa! [grunting] Oh. Party-planning cave. Right. You okay? Or are you just screamin' for fun?
 * Pinkie Pie: Screaming is fun. But I'm not okay! I've been making Rainbow Dash pies for years, but she doesn't even like them. She's been lying to me!
 * Applejack: But everypony loves your pies. They're the greatest thing since sliced apples.
 * Pinkie Pie: Thank you!
 * Applejack: And I could swear I've seen her eat one of your pies before.
 * Pinkie Pie: Have you reeeaaally?
 * Applejack: Um, I... thought I had. That's why I said it?
 * Pinkie Pie: Are you sure?
 * Applejack: Maybe I haven't...?
 * Pinkie Pie: Exactly! Because it's all been a sham! Rainbow Dash has been laughing at my pies behind my back and scheming of a way to get rid of them for years!


 * [clouds rumbling]
 * [thunder]
 * Rainbow Dash: Bring forth the worst-tasting food in all of Equestria!
 * [carts rolling]
 * Rainbow Dash: And now I will destroy Pinkie Pie's horrid abominations, freeing the land of these disgusting pies forever!
 * Pinkie Pie: Nooooooo!
 * [magic zaps]
 * Rainbow Dash: Good riddance, strawberry cream and peaches 'o plenty! Begone, apple crumble and lemon surprise!
 * [magic zaps]
 * Rainbow Dash: Gone! Gone! Gone! [laughing evilly]
 * [thunder]


 * Applejack: I really don't think that's what's happening.
 * Pinkie Pie: I don't think so either. I know so.
 * Applejack: Well, I've got just the thing to get your mind off all this madness. We've had a great apple harvest, so I was hopin' you could whip up a few of your delicious pies.
 * Pinkie Pie: Yes. I will make pies. Lots of pies. I'm going to make Rainbow Dash so many pies, it'll force her to admit the truth. Or I'll catch her in the act of getting rid of them. Operation: "Pie of Lies" is a go. Thanks, Applejack. I knew I could count on you to come up with a plan.
 * Applejack: I don't think that's what I did. Also, uh... how do you get out of here?


 * Rainbow Dash: [snoring]
 * Pinkie Pie: Surprise!
 * Rainbow Dash: [yelps] W-W-What's happening?!
 * Pinkie Pie: Happy unofficial "Wake Your Friends Up" Day!
 * Rainbow Dash: Ugh. I've never heard of "Wake Your Friends Up" Day.
 * Pinkie Pie: Well, it's unofficial. But I made you your favorite pie in celebration! Ta-da! Gifts are the second most important part of "Wake Your Friends Up" Day.
 * Rainbow Dash: What's the first most important part?
 * Pinkie Pie: Accepting the gifts and enjoying them immediately.
 * Rainbow Dash: Uh... Well, I'm sorry I forgot about "Wake Your Friends Up" Day. Let me make it up to you. Here!
 * Pinkie Pie: [sneezes]
 * [thudding]
 * Tank: [chomp]
 * Pinkie Pie: [sneezes] The pie! Where'd it go?!
 * Rainbow Dash: What do you mean where did it go? Heh-heh. Mmm-mmm.
 * Pinkie Pie: How—?! Where—?! When—?! [distressed sounds]


 * Pinkie Pie: Congratulations on your seventy-fourth Wonderbolt training session! Here's a pie. Now eat it!
 * Rainbow Dash: Okay, this is getting a little out of hoof. I haven't even trained yet.
 * Pinkie Pie: Well, I wanted to pre-celebrate because I already know how great you're gonna do. Eat the pie!
 * Rainbow Dash: Pinkie, look out!
 * Pinkie Pie: I'm not gonna fall for— [screams] Whoa! [grunting]
 * [splat]
 * Rainbow Dash: Pinkie! Are you okay?!
 * Pinkie Pie: [grunting] Get me down!
 * EMT Pony: Sorry, ma'am, but we have to make sure you didn't sustain any internal injuries.
 * Pinkie Pie: But the pie! What happened to the pie?!
 * Rainbow Dash: Oh! The pie was delicious! You just get better!
 * Pinkie Pie: Noooooooo!


 * Pinkie Pie: [unconvincing] Ah! Somepony help me! Rainbow Dash, thank goodness you're here! I was trying to fix the top pie on my pie pyramid, but the whole thing became unstable. And there's only one way to save me! You have to eat the pies!
 * Rainbow Dash: Don't worry, I got ya!
 * Pinkie Pie: Oh, right. Or you could save me that way.
 * Rainbow Dash: You gotta be more careful, okay?
 * Pinkie Pie: [growls] Rrgh!
 * [thud]
 * [pies splat]


 * Pinkie Pie: Rainbow Dash! I wanted to thank you for saving me from the pie pyramid, so have a pie! Have three! Have fifteen! I know how much you love them! Now eat up!
 * Rainbow Dash: Uh... Thanks!
 * [fillies laughing]
 * Rainbow Dash: I can't wait to eat [loudly] all these pies!
 * [fillies clamoring]
 * Pinkie Pie: What!? Where did they—?! How did you—?!
 * Rainbow Dash: Delicious! You did it again, Pinkie!
 * Pinkie Pie: [growls]


 * Pinkie Pie: Rainbow Dash, there you are! I made a pie for everypony, and you're the only one who hasn't eaten hers yet. So here. Your pie. For you to eat. Now.
 * Rainbow Dash: Are you okay? You seem to be staring more than usual.
 * Pinkie Pie: I just really like to watch others enjoy my pies. [unhinged giggling]
 * [beat]
 * Rainbow Dash: You sure you don't have to blink?
 * Pinkie Pie: Me? Nope. I'm not much of a blinker. [licking] Don't mind me. Go ahead and take a bite.
 * Rainbow Dash: Well... Do I want to take a big bite or a small bite...? I just don't know... Or maybe medium? No, no, no. Definitely not medium.
 * Pinkie Pie: [panting] [strained] Just try some.
 * Rainbow Dash: Ahhhh... Do you have any milk?
 * Pinkie Pie: [grinding teeth]
 * [deep bell ring]
 * Cherry Berry: [chomps slowly]
 * [bird flaps slowly]
 * [whipping]
 * Rainbow Dash: [slurps]
 * [bell rings]
 * Rainbow Dash: Ah, never mind. Your pies are just too good to resist.
 * Pinkie Pie: What?! No! No! That's it! I can't take it!
 * Rainbow Dash: Uh, everything okay, Pinkie?
 * Pinkie Pie: No! Everything is not okay! You hate my pies!
 * Rainbow Dash: What are you talking about?
 * Pinkie Pie: You know exactly what I'm talking about! I saw what you did! Well, I didn't see what you did. But I know that you've been fake-eating my pies! You threw away the pie I made for your seventy-third Wonderbolt training session, and I know you secretly somehow got rid of all the other pies I gave you! Admit it!
 * Rainbow Dash: That's crazy! What do you think I did? Somehow make them all disappear into thin air?
 * [splat]
 * Rainbow Dash: [nervous chuckle] Okay. So maybe I made one of them disappear into thin air.


 * Pinkie Pie: How could you?!
 * Rainbow Dash: What?! I, uh... I-I just wanted to share these amazing pies with the folks of Cloudsdale! So I, uh... I was trying to send them up via... balloon mail.
 * Pinkie Pie: But you just said they were delicious.
 * Rainbow Dash: Well, obviously that's because... I have amnesia!
 * [beat]
 * Rainbow Dash: I've been brainwashed!
 * [beat]
 * Rainbow Dash: I-It's Opposite Day?
 * Pinkie Pie: Your memory is working fine, you hate washing, and I know today's not Opposite Day because I baked you a pie for it every year. A pie that you'd probably just throw away. Or give to charity. Or destroy with your laser eyes while laughing at me!
 * Rainbow Dash: Laser eyes?
 * Pinkie Pie: Oh! Oh! So you admit it!
 * Rainbow Dash: What? No! I can explain!
 * Pinkie Pie: I don't want to hear it!
 * [pie tin clangs]


 * Rainbow Dash: She won't listen to me. She won't let me apologize. [sighs] I feel terrible.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Well, you have been lying to her. To all of us, actually.
 * Applejack: Yeah. Is there anything else you're lyin' about that we should know?
 * Rainbow Dash: No! Well, not that I can think of off the top of my head. Is it my fault that I don't like pies? And not just Pinkie's pies. All pies! I know how much she loves making pies, and if I told her I didn't like them, it would have crushed her.
 * Applejack: Uh, you kinda crushed her anyway.
 * Rainbow Dash: Oh, but I...! [stutters, sighs] You're right. I guess I should've just eaten the pies in the first place. [gasps] Wait! That's it! I know how I can make it up to her!


 * Pinkie Pie: Pee-yew! Gummy, is that you?
 * [thud]
 * Pinkie Pie: Huh. What is that? Oh. It's you.
 * Rainbow Dash: Pinkie Pie, wait! I know now that I should've been honest with you from the start, because lying to your friends is wrong. And because getting rid of all those pies was a giant hassle. I mean, do you have any idea how many pies you've made for me over the years?
 * Pinkie Pie: Yes, I know exactly how many. I have a very detailed pie-ling system.
 * Rainbow Dash: Of course you do. The point is I thought the hassle was worth it just to spare your feelings, but I was wrong. So to make up for it, I made this pie for you. Well, I guess I made it for me. To eat in front of you. Point is I'm eating this pie for friendship!
 * Pinkie Pie: Wait. That smelly circular monstrosity is a pie?
 * Rainbow Dash: Yeah! I know I can't go back and eat all the pies you made for me in the past, so instead I'm going to eat this one giant one for you now. So here I go.
 * [splat]
 * [splat]
 * Rainbow Dash: Ahhhh...
 * Pinkie Pie: Wait! I can't watch you do this!
 * [clattering]
 * Pinkie Pie: I mean, is that crust or some kind of concrete?
 * Rainbow Dash: Yeah, honestly, I have no idea.
 * Pinkie Pie: Oh, I can't believe you're willing to eat this terrible pie for me. It's ridiculous, and this whole thing is overly complicated, and... [sighs] I think I finally understand why you lied.


 * Rainbow Dash: Whoa! What's that?!
 * [zip!]
 * Rainbow Dash: [chewing noises] Huh. Guess it was nothing. Heh-heh.
 * Pinkie Pie: [squeals] I'm so glad you enjoyed my pies!


 * [thunk, thunk, thunk]
 * Rainbow Dash: [chewing noises] Oh, never mind. Heh. Great pies!
 * Pinkie Pie: [high-pitched squeal]


 * Rainbow Dash: No way! Check that out!
 * [thunk]
 * [clang]
 * Shoeshine: Oh! It's not even my birthday!
 * Rainbow Dash: Oh, sorry. Guess it was nothing. [slurp] Mmm! But that custard was everything!
 * Pinkie Pie: Seeing you eat my pies makes me the happiest pony in all of Equestria!
 * Rainbow Dash: Heh. I know it does.


 * Pinkie Pie: You did a lot of ridiculous and overly complex things to get rid of my pies because it made youhappy to see me happy. Just like I went to a lot of effort to make you the pies because it made me happy to see you happy.
 * Rainbow Dash: Yes!
 * Pinkie Pie: And if you're willing to go through all of that, it really shows how much you're willing to do for your friends.
 * Rainbow Dash: Aw, shucks. It was nothing.
 * Pinkie Pie: Now get out of that thing and give me a hug!
 * [splat]
 * Pinkie Pie: Just remember. In the future, you can always be honest with me.
 * Applejack: Uh, I could've told her that.
 * Rainbow Dash: [straining] Heh. Cool. H-How about this? Your hugs are too tight.
 * Pinkie Pie: [laughing] No, they're not.
 * Rainbow Dash: [sighs]


 * [credits]